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I'm Saving Hockey: A BTN March 20th Recap

A bit of a quixotic start to the week: we had a little bit of a scare a couple of days ago because we couldn't find my grandpa.  We found him about ten minutes after losing him, when he came out of the hall closet with a pad of paper and pen.  He wrote me this, "I'm taking a vow of silence in protest to the recent wussification guidelines proposed by Gary Bettman.  Like the Benedictine monks, only silenter."  Then he handed me his recap, which he had apparently scribbled in the closet.  It read thusly:

"I'm sorry to have scared you, but I thought I had a concussion and so I went into the closet for 15 minutes to mend my purse."

"This week's debilitating dungpiles articles:

Monday: How Does the Defensive Shell Work?

Grandpa's Analysis: The only people that go into a "shell" are the kind of heartless tacticians that subscribe to this squiggly-lined nonsense.  

Tuesday: The League of Extraordinary Statisticians: The Defensemen

GA: Well of course defensive defensemen can match the value of offensive-minded defensemen; they fight, don't they?

Wednesday: Skating Patterns for Duncan Keith and Nicklas Lidstrom

GA: Last time I saw a guy use his drawing skills with a sketch pad I gave him what we called an "atomic wedgie."  That's where you pull up his underwear really high, then pull up his feet behind his back and hook the toes of his shoes into the band of the underwear.

Wednesday: Shooting Percentage Suppression

GA: I find Rob's use of cheeseburgers very unprofessional and insulting intellectually.  I suspect he's a Commie.

Thursday: Questions, corsis and the laughter of the gods

GA: It's about time someone told these stats nerds to get off their high horse.  I'd say the same thing to my doctors, professors, and lawyers.

Thursday: 2010-11: A Statistical "Meh" for the NHL

GA: C'mon, this has been a season full of fights, knockouts, heart, and great hits.  It's only "meh" if by that you mean "meh-gnificent."

Friday: NHL Conference Parity or Lack Thereof

GA: The Western Conference is everything that's wrong with the NHL: warm weather, turquoise, visors...the only thing better than the East is that it's a bit farther from the Soviet bloc.  Or maybe not...where's my map?

Saturday: Are there certain teams that are more likely to get a scoring chance when they take a shot?

GA: Are there possibly any post titles that could be longer than this?  Are there any more stats writers hiding up BTN's ass?

It's really freaking dark in here."

I wonder how long before he realizes that Bettman couldn't give less of a shit.