You have to be some kind of pansy-ass, visor-wearing fool if you think I'm going to come out against a true Canadian like Mark Spector. Today, in a moment of clarity, Spector produced one of the best open letters since Martin Luther King Jr. It was so good, I don't even need to link it, because I'm sure you've already saved it on your 3-inch floppy.
Essentially, he gave the Vancouver Canucks a cold hard dose of truth, vaulting himself into the pantheon of tough-as-nails writers who bust free from their typical milquetoast (BN's Note: I taught him that word), inadequate writings to produce something that truly makes you think. You know, forget the visors, the riots, and lets get to the heart of this pathetic team: a bunch of royal-blue wearing Europeans that can't win the big game.
The season's too long for these Scandinavians, first of all. They get cabin fever, they get upset, their hair falls out. They just aren't tough.
Their leagues are too soft, too. I know for a fact that a Norwegian can't handle a split testicle, for instance. Henrik Zetterberg, Johan Franzen, Jarkko Ruutu, and Kjell Samuelsson are all prime examples of the inherent Scandinavian weaknesses. Products of a limp-wristed hockey system, none of those players were capable of handling the rigours of the corn-fed Canadian game. It's understandable, boys, it's not your fault. Blame science.
And the Danes, oh the Danes. Don't get me started on Frans Nielsen and Mikkel Boedker, who play a despicable game of two-hand touch on the ice. Call me crazy, but it's probably the Nielsens and Boedkers and Franzens of the world that like this suspension nonsense. Take off the skirts and start drafting some good hard-workin', hay-bailin', fightin' prairie boys, Canucks. They know how to win the Stanley Cup.
I mean look at Joe Thornton...okay, maybe he didn't win, but he wouldn't have even been close if he didn't constantly carry a bit o' wheat in his mouth. Or Shane Doan, who's carried the Coyotes to...well, the playoffs, but that's Boedker's fault, you see. Or Cam Neely, who was more successful than either of those two and nearly indestructible...wait...shoot, got him mixed up with Henrik Sedin. I hate it when that happens.
Don't even get me started on the diving. Every time I see a Canuck take a dive, it makes me sick, just like when I see players on all the other 29 teams do it. Play like a corn-fed Canadian damnit! Play like Joe Thornton!
I hate it when Swedes do that.
And look at all the Danes, Swedes, and Canucks in this one:
Unbelievable. I need to take a bath.
I'm not even going to touch the fans issue, either. I mean what's the point. The Vancouver fans disgust me with their unique approach of being frustrated when their team isn't doing well. Grow up.
Folks, Mark Spector is dead right on this issue, and it's rare to find a writer who's willing to strip the issue bare and ignore the crippling aftermath of clicks and attention I'm sure he can't stand. But he's taken that chance for the better of all of us, and we really have to thank him for calling out those Danes and Swedes who are genetically inferior hockey players. With his help, maybe we can get them out of here before they start impregnatin' our women!