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Well Then I Guess I'm Stupid, Jonathan Willis

See, what the hell is this Russkie doing?  So enigmatic...
See, what the hell is this Russkie doing? So enigmatic...

I consider it a disturbing trend among the youngsters these days to try and dispel my well-supported opinions about Russkies, Finns, Swedes, Czechoslovaks, Huns, The English, Frenchies (Canuck and European versions), Ukrainians, Kazakhs, Belarusskies, Slavs, Yugoslavs, and warm-weather teams, but I think Jonathan Willis crossed a line with this post. In fact, this isn't the first time he's attacked my freedom of speech. Now, I would never refer to Mr. Willis as "stupid," or irrational, even if his views are obviously pinko Communist hippie speech. You see, Mr. Willis, you probably never had the experience of hiding under your desk because Khrushchev banged his Reebokski on the table while addressing the UN, and you probably never went on undercover CIA operatives to shave off Brezhnev's left eyebrow while he was sleeping, and Gorbachev probably never left you having to pay the tip at Pizza Hut. You just can't trust a Russian.

Case in point are these ridiculous accusations against CAPTAIN Ryan Getzlaf and HART TROPHY WINNER Corey Perry. These good Canadian boys give it their all for their teams, set the best example off the ice, and this is their reward? Fighting in a Finnish bar, my ass...the last time a Finn fought, he was on skis trying to toss Molotov cocktails at the Russkies mid-slalom. I've seen the pictures, I've heard what was said, and all I see are a couple of upstanding Canadian citizens trying to demonstrate their superiority over the tiny, weak-willed Finnish population. They were even willing to stay up all night with them to prove the point, which is probably more time than I've spent with a Finn my entire life. Before you all start spoutin' off about zeenophobia or whatever you call it, I love Finnish people, they make great wax and their fish are passable, but I'll never trust a country that doubles vowels and consonants needlessly.

Now for these Russian knuckleheads, Alexander Radulov and Andrei Kostitsyn, that they were out drinkin' is undeniable; we all know Kostitsyn spends a lot of time with tattooed, Viggo Mortensen-types, fighting naked in bath houses and stuff like that, so there was no question he would bust out the vodka when his old boy was back in town. Now, I don't trust Trotz too much, I think he looks like Satan, but it was a good call to bust those Russkies for a couple of games, in the same way it was good of the NHL to not bust Shea Weber for that love tap on the Swede earlier. A little pound off the turnbuckle never hurt nobody, but I always draw the line at curfew violations. Back in the day, hockey players got all their drinkin' done well before curfew, then trashed their hotel room. Heaving empty fire extinguishers out of 5th-story windows at 4am is great exercise, and it is always important to make sure to replace spent extinguishers. In places like that, fire safety for one is fire safety for all.

But back to the's my biggest problems with 'em: I don't know what they're sayin'. When they laugh at something in Russkie I know it's about me, or about their lack of leadership, or about how they're all going to bolt to the KHL, or how they're inconsistent. I swear it means they pulled one over on those upstanding GMs that paid them millions, only to have the poor Canadian and American fans pay the tickets to watch namby-pamby hockey. Maybe you're sayin' the reason I think they're suspicious is because I harbor old feelings, or because we have different cultures, but I'm just goin' on experience and gut feeling, and it must work because I'm still alive and the Russkies haven't blown me up yet.

Shit, I forgot to mention the troops...