So I’m a little pissed that my playoff predictions have been dashed. I chose the #1 seeds to meet in the Cup Finals (who wouldn’t? They won the most, they’re the best obviously). Washington left those dreams in a steaming pile on my doorstep, and I know what you’re thinking: they had too many Russians on their team. Let me be the first to say you’re wrong there; they only iced two of them during the playoffs, wisely keeping the third out of the net (though don’t think I don’t know your past, Michal Neuvirth). For those keeping track, they’re actually down from playing about 1/3 of the Russian National Team a couple of years ago.
To make matters worse, they lost to a Southern team, a team so weak-willed it relies on a common weather phenomenon for its “mascot”, the Tampa Bay Lightning. Martin St. Louis, Vincent Lecavalier, Steven Stamkos, Simon Gagne, Marc-Andre Bergeron…you could open the locker room door, throw the Lady Byng Trophy in there without looking, and chances are it’d land on a worthy candidate. There’s gold in them hills, though, particularly hiding up Dwayne Roloson‘s posterior, from which we’ve seen some insane goaltending fly out at opportune moments.
How do I feel about Boston-Philadelphia? The older team won, as did the older goaltender Tim Thomas. Apparently old goalies are “in” this year, on a par with jeggings and LARP’ing; next year the league will be crawling with throwbacks like Robert Esche, Mikael Tellqvist, Mika Noronen, Mike Dunham… We can only hope.
This week's reeking writ articles:
Monday: First Round Home-Ice Advantage
Grandpa’s Analysis: These guys spend all this time and effort trying to figure out home-ice advantage, when really they just need to watch the tape of the time I spilled Mr. Pibb and popcorn on Rejean Lemelin‘s receding hairline, not long before secretly urinating on the back of Rick Bowness’s suit jacket. Now that’s an edge. You should have heard what Wilford Brimley wanted me to do…
Tuesday: First Round Playoff Penalty Rates
GA: I thought I sensed a lack of blood on the ice this year.
Tuesday: Fanpost Contest Winners
GA: These Corsi-bots seem to be multiplying. Hopefully we can put them down when they become self-aware.
Wednesday: Getting Defensive: New Jersey Devils
GA: Any team that relies on that many Russians and Swedes is asking for it. Don’t they do immigrant quotas anymore?
Thursday: Second-Round Home-Ice Advantage
GA: Okay fine, I’ll tell you: Brimley wanted me to slowly lean my bare ass over the glass and tussle Gordie Clark’s hair. I was nearly castrated by Petri Skriko.
Friday: The Impact of Rest in the Playoffs
GA: Y’know how it’s such a big deal when Duncan Keith has 25 minutes per game? In my day, we played 40 minutes per; Scotty Bowman used to withhold water until the 3rd period. Teams used to have only one goaltender, and if he got hurt they put him back out there with makeshift splints made from programs and jock straps.
C'mon, guys, it's the playoffs, this isn't for sissies and Europeans.
