In a world of robots, things move really fast for an old dog. If you want to ever get ahead, you need to beat these whiz kids to the punch. That's something I'm prepared to do today, by cleverly predicting the final two teams to get knocked out of the playoffs, as well as giving my own expert critique on why they failed to have enough determination to win the Cup. Why wait 'til the deadline when you can get them while they're still alive?
Phoenix Coyotes: Heard they were going to move, had to get in their 60-day notice.
New York Rangers: A Slovakian star winger, a Norwegian elf, and a Swedish goaltender...this team was the maladjusted foreign exchange student of the NHL Playoffs, heading home after two weeks with an I Love New York t-shirt, upset stomach, and bruises from when his forward advances on American women met feminism.
Los Angeles Kings: The only circumstance where violet on a jersey is not utterly repulsive is when a player with a blue jersey gets a bloody nose.
Anaheim Ducks: I hunt ducks. In the non-Disney, non-pansy world they only fly together if I haven't managed to shoot all of them.
Montreal Canadiens: They're a Fun Size hockey team, which typically, in a physiological sense, means they have less heart. Also, visors.
Buffalo Sabres: Turns out, a sabre is only as effective as the person wielding it. Not a convenient truth when half your team makes a sabre look like a broadsword.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Do you realize how pissed Bettman would be if the Pens won the Cup without Sidney Crosby?
Chicago Blackhawks: Do you know who "won" The Black Hawk "War"? Well, it wasn't a bunch of Canucks, but pretty close.
Washington Capitals: Alex Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, Nicklas Backstrom, Semyon Varlamov, Michal Neuvirth...did you not get the memo with the Rangers? The only difference is more key players from the former Soviet bloc, and we all know those players can only be either a.) explosive, b.) creative, c.) exploseative, or d.) enigmatic.
Philadelphia Flyers: I think the PPD must've arrested all of the Bullies in the late 90s. Or maybe I'm just mixing them up with Kevin Stevens and Matthew Barnaby...oh, nope, forgot about Tocchet.
Detroit Red Wings: Contrary to popular (and Eminem's) belief, the Chrysler 200 will not be lifting Detroit this year. Particularly when the population in Detroit proper can't afford it.
Nashville Predators: Too warm, ice melted (Ben added over my shoulder: "...when Carrie Underwood touched it, bow chicka bow-wow" whatever that means, don't have children).
San Jose Sharks: Sharks are an aquatic animal that would not survive long on ice, nor play particularly good hockey. They certainly wouldn't understand the trap...I acknowledge that they can bite sticks, though. But I think that's a penalty.
Tampa Bay Lightning: You know it's a weird team when the French Canadians are the ones without visors.
Vancouver Canucks: When it comes to the Bettman NHL, Canada always loses. Plus, I find the term "canuck" a little bit offensive.
This week's articles (short, snide version):
Tuesday: The History of Professional Hockey in Winnipeg, Part II
Grandpa's Analysis: If I had to build the perfect hockey player, it would be Dave Babych. He made Moe Mantha look like child's play. And he certainly wasn't.
Tuesday: Is accuracy the difference between average and great goal scorers?
GA: Well, I don't know about that, but it's certainly the difference between a clean and messy crapper.
Wednesday: You Like Me! You Really Like Me! ... Part I
GA: Well, maybe not really. But they don't really offer a "I like you, but not in that way" button.
Thursday: You Like Me! You Really Like Me! ... Part II
GA: Rumor has it that Crosby almost made the top of the lists, but Dave Steckel accidentally hacked Facebook and froze Crosby's "Like" buttons.
Remember, you're only a loser if you don't win the Cup.