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I'm Saving Hockey: A BTN April 3rd Recap

Last time I saw this combination of colors in a high-leverage situation Elvis Stojko was doing quadruple axels.
Last time I saw this combination of colors in a high-leverage situation Elvis Stojko was doing quadruple axels.

I'm sure by now you are either celebrating your team's successful playoff bid with bubbly, clicking to the standings page with fingernails that have been chewed to the nub, or moping in your mom's basement with the tiny little drapes on the tiny little windows closed and Miracle playing on the old Zenith.  Regardless of the scenario, the range of emotions during this period of the season is drastic, as even the fans of teams that didn't make it start to wade through the what-went-wrongs and look forward to a juicy pick in the Draft.  

Me? I'm conflicted.  I mean, the emotional thing doesn't make me conflicted, because I rarely emote.  Emotions are for pansies and Dick Vermeil.  But I'm conflicted on whether I like the playoffs at all.  I mean, let's seriously look at the pros and cons:

Pro: Intense board battles.  Big hits.

Con: Fewer goons.  Fewer fights.  At the end of the season, playoff-bound teams trade their jocks for skirts, but when the playoffs start they trade their skirts for tights.

Pro: No shootouts.

Con: Visors.  It's unrelated, but I still don't like them, and it's undeniable that they are still there in the playoffs.  In fact, the number of visor wearers among the recent Stanley Cup winners is downright disturbing.  At least Jonathan Toews isn't playing touch football.

Pro: We get rid of all those crappy weak warm-weather teams and get down to brass tacks.

Con: Do they have to let in the San Jose Sharks?  In all seriousness, they let in too many teams.  Over half the league makes the playoffs...seriously, can't we just give them a participation prize for sucking 82 games, award one of them the sportsmanship trophy, and send 3/4 of them packing?  We're playing hockey in June for Chrissakes, and it's cutting into my walleye fishing.

Con: Whatever the hell happened to the NHL Playoffs music?  It used to give me chills.  Now they just keep playing 5-year old crap by Default and Switchfoot (which according to my grandson is the equivalent of a guy wearing British Knights and JNCO Jeans, whatever that means).

Cons win...your move, Bettman.

This week's filthy fudgsicles articles:

Monday: Why Have 32% of 1st Rounders Since 1990 Been Defensemen?

Grandpa's Analysis: Simple math, moron.  A team fields 6 defensemen and 12 forwards, so actually it should be higher.  GMs follow the same rule of thumb with goaltenders, because all positions contribute equally.

Tuesday: The League of Extraordinary Statisticians: THE Stat

GA: While these stat nerds wussed out and had to name more than one, you know me, you know my stat, which means you know the rest.

Wednesday: The Significance of Tagging a Shot as a 'Scoring Chance' 

GA: This is why I can't stand you guys: make things complicated, give me headaches, then tell me you aren't sure yet.  It's like letting your spouse decide where to go out to eat.

Wednesday: Left-Handed Shots in Hockey (and of course they got the story wrong)

GA: Since anything on the left side is either Communist or a sign of the Devil, I always pressure my children and grandchildren to shoot the right way haha.  Worked great after Ben stopped crying.

Thursday: Odds and Ends: Crowdsourcing Passing and Zone Diagrams

GA: I will not be lured into your clever stathead traps, no matter how easy it might be.  Though I might be convinced if I can also track punches landed and incisor trajectory.

Friday: The Outcome of the Shot Quality Prize

GA: I think I'm finally starting to have an effect on Gabe's thinking.

Saturday: Vancouver Canucks Playoff Preview

GA: That's right, Vancouver, and take your weird jerseys with you.

Maybe you should look inside yourself and see if you truly want to get revved up about the non-stop, no-holds-barred puck pans-itry that are the playoffs.