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I'm Saving Hockey: A BTN February 27th Recap

If you're truly interested in saving hockey, you sometimes look like this.
If you're truly interested in saving hockey, you sometimes look like this.

First things first, I want to call attention to a true soldier this week, Adrian Dater, for using his remarkable cunning to win one for the little traditional-media guys out there.  For years they've been under attack at the hands of the unoriginal, thieving mob that is the so-called "hockey blogosphere," who spew out vile things like biased analysis and invoke stat punks like Gabe or other no-goods like Tom Awad, Derek Zona, and Rob Vollman.  Dater and other legitimate reporters such as Damien Cox have taken the valiant step of using their fortunate positions (I can only assume they got them from years of objective reporting) to take down these "bloggers" who conspire to ruin the game.

Dater struck at the heart of the rumor-mongering, biased filth by infiltrating the mind of a true beast, Eklund from Hockey Buzz.  Cleverly, Dater pretended like the un-researching imbecile was actually some sort of genius, lauding Eklund's "techniques" that, surprisingly, didn't cause Dater to vomit all over his own Avalanche sweater.  Only the honorable Steve McQueen himself could show such intelligence when held captive by such dim company.  His cover was almost blown when he stroked a bit too hard; Dater's writing grew visibly strained as his better logic struggled against writing that Eklund's tactics and quality are evident by more pageviews than even Dater himself generates.  But he forged ahead, pretending as if Hockey Buzz was an accurate reflection of the hockey blogosphere, doing well to paint Eklund as the future.

For his coup de grace, Dater threw in some spice, getting Greg Wyshynski from Puck Daddy to comment on Eklund as well.  In fact, Dater's entire article essentially echoed an earlier piece by Wyshynski on Eklund, but if he could get a fresh quote from that damn blogosphere overlord Wyshynski he could hopefully drive a wedge in the whole godforsaken mob.  Carefully, he approached Wyshynski for a quote on Eklund, concealing his intentions; a good defamatory quote, correctly used, can make a "rebel hero".  Quote in hand, Dater was able to steal away and put together his article, with Wyshynski as a hypocritical enemy of the "intelligent, dashing" Eklund, yet both complicit in the lawless morass of hockey blogging.  Stereotypes driven home, evil opposition divided amongst itself, Dater achieved an ultimate victory for the real hockey newspeople.

You might be asking yourself where the link is to the article.  It's getting bronzed currently, so that we might remember who the honest, objective, learned hockey commentators are.  Also, that we might never forget those petty, hypocritical hockey iconoclasts in the blogosphere.  Let the legitimate writers' integrity soothe you like Mike Milbury singing a sweet lullaby (and no shoes nearby)...

This week's simmering cesspools BTN articles:

Monday: Balanced Zone Shift (BZS) Single-Season Leaders, 2007-08 to 2010-11

 Grandpa's Analysis: Is he still working on this BZS b.s.?  Last time I talked this much about zones I was on a diet that gave me runs like I was Roger Bannister.

Tuesday: The League of Extraordinary Statisticians: Draft Pick Value

GA: You should always trade your draft picks for experience and heart.  There's nothing more lethal than a team of crafty 20-year NHL veterans whose experience makes them skate faster, shoot better, hit harder, and stop more pucks.  The only thing more lethal is a good fighter who keeps inspiration and toughness in his back pocket next to his chew.

Wednesday: The Importance of a Goalie's First 15 Games

GA: Gabe forgets that sometimes these young goalies just need to want it more than the next guy.  Ken Dryden wanted it more than Rogie Vachon, Ron Hextall wanted it more than Chico Resch, Patrick Roy wanted it more than Doug Soetart.  Jamie Storr didn't want it; Rick DiPietro didn't want it...and so on.  What's "it"?  Didn't anybody ever tell you that you ask too many questions?

Thursday: What do NHL GMs think is Replacement-Level Goaltending?

GA: I don't know much about "replacement" here, though I will tell you that if you asked my old boss about replacement he'd say I could easily be replaced.  My hip would also say that.

Thursday: Who will break the Western Conference Logjam?

GA: I cringe whenever I have to say it, but it's become increasingly the case: only on rare occasions will it be a member of the Original 6.  Welcome to my personal hell.

Friday: BZS 3- and 4-Year Average Leaders, 2007-08 to 2010-11 

GA: A metric that rewards good heart players like defensive defensemen?  Plus.  A metric that penalizes fighters and doesn't include heart?  Minus, get it out of here, you disgust me, you're ruining hockey.

 Saturday: The Extra 2%

GA: I'm seriously troubled by the idea that there's a baseball team called the Tampa Bay Rays.  I can't even think of a sentence with those words along with the word baseball.  That being said, if I ever see them let Carlos Pena bunt I'll eat my hat.

So way to go, Adrian Dater, you're an inspiration to us all.  Maybe, with some of your and Cox's leadership, we can make sure this blogosphere stays in line and sticks to the right kind of stories for hockey.