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I'm Saving Hockey: A BTN February 13th Recap

This is the face of innocence.
This is the face of innocence.

::shakes head slowly::  You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?...that last week's poll option "Ryan Johnson getting a piggyback ride from Don Cherry" is the most heart you can have per square centimeter.  What you'd be forgetting is that grapes don't hold up well under pressure.  Now if the answer was Don Cherry getting a piggyback ride from Ryan Johnson...

"Ryan Johnson fighting Krauts" is a clever scenario, I must admit, but the Krauts disappeared when Mr. Gorbachev tore down that wall.  I would know, since I happened to be passing through on a sales trip for Kenneth Cole.  KC had just come out with a line of steel-toes, and I convinced the crane operator to help me with a demonstration; little did I know that L.A. Gear had just been through the previous day and put all those Krauts in light-up shoes.  Say what you will about the desire for democracy, but nothing says freedom like some boss hightops and your own personal laser show.

What, is "Ryan Johnson" not good enough for you?  If the steak is good you don't need any sauce.  You going to cite some Corsi dumb-dumb thing to cut a good man down again?

This week's brainwashing bowel movements articles:

Monday: ESPN: "Byfuglien trade a big Hawks mistake"

Grandpa's Analysis: Dustin Byfuglien is clearly the complete package.  He plays offense, his assigned position is "defenseman", he's got it all.  Gabe is overlooking how versatile he is.  Versatility equals overlooking a few more defensive gaffes than you would expect out of 95% of the league's defensemen.

Monday: Can we give this Rory Boylen guy at The Hockey News a little help?

GA: My analysis here will analyze how Gabe is analyzing someone else's analys....uhhh...gahhhh...LEAVE RORY ALONE!!

Tuesday: The League of Extraordinary Statisticians: The Awards

GA: In my day, the only award you got for a good game was a bump ahead in the line for stitches afterwards.

Tuesday: Laying Down the Gauntlet

GA: Though I'm still not familiar with Godwin's Law, I get the feeling that mentioning Notsees Naughtzies   Smurfs is not approved.  So it will be Smurfs from now on.  As in, "After their defeat at Stalingrad, the Smurfs found themselves starving and freezing to death," or "I am concerned about the number of neo-Smurfs in contemporary Europe."

Wednesday: The Behind the Net Curse

GA: You shouldn't play God.  Unless you're George Burns.

Wednesday: Balanced Zone Shift Leaders and Cabooses, 2007-08 to 2010-11

GA: Very funny, Ben.  That's my heart metric turned upside down.

Wednesday: Who's Next?

GA: Gabe gloats.  Shameless.  You know who else had this much pride?  Darth Vader.  And this guy.

Thursday: Why Michael Frolik was Traded, in One Chart

GA: Conclusion? Michael Frolik's squiggles were out of whack.  Personally, I never cared for the guy...he was such a great goal scorer, but he lost his touch along the way and now he's useless.

Thursday: Feel the Playoff Momentum

GA: Gabe has no idea...has he ever played a game of hockey?  Back when I played in the Central Coast Minor Professional Hockey Organization of Minor Hockey Associations, if we went under .500 in the last 20 games and still made the playoffs we went home anyway.

Friday: 12/17/10 Det-Chi Passing

GA: Anybody who does this much scoring probably doesn't do a whole lot of scoring.

Hell of a game by the New York Islanders the other night.  Beat the Pens all over the ice with their toughness and spirit.  Extra credit to Micheal Haley, the only person I know who spells it that way, for his first NHL goal and 39 penalty minutes.  You're going to have a long career, son.

Also, I just want to briefly express my disappointment in Mike Milbury, who has appeared to jump ship and blame the innocent hitters for the latest rash of headshots.  You're starting to go senile, old boy.  If you want to ward it off, you should try a home remedy I came across: eat cake sprinkles and yell at children.