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A New Section: Ben's Grandpa Joins Up

Editor's note: My grandpa has been an avid reader of Behind the Net since the day I started here, so it was interesting to me over Christmas vacation when he came up and asked if he could contribute to the site every once in awhile. I asked him when he first became interested in hockey stats analysis, but he wouldn't tell me, just mumbled something about the influence guys like Gabe have on the game. I ran it past Gabe, who said it was okay, and I have to admit I'm intrigued to see what he puts here. Though he's not much of a writer, he assured me he'd have my grandma copy-edit the post before he put it up. Hopefully you aren't offended by the typos...

Ben and Gabe are idiots and heartless bastards. And they're ruining hockey.

I've been watching hockey for a long time; I've seen Red Kelly, Johnny Bower, Alex Delvecchio, Gordie Howe, all the greats and they'd be downright ashamed if they actually listened to the crap on this site. Ben, I'm disappointed in you, and Gabe if I was one of your relatives I would never visit you in that stinking hippie-haven the government requires me to recognize as "California."

Let's have a look at this week's mind-numbing bullturds Behind the Net articles:

Monday: Measuring Defensive Assignments on the PK

Grandpa's Analysis: Lies. Gabe is cleverly ignoring the blinding levels of heart and determination of these fine young men. B.J. Crombeen has been inspiring his team in more ways than this ridiculous post can quantify; he fights regularly, and I bet Davis Payne can really get him to inspire the boys. Never really cared for Karlis Skrastins, by the way, he doesn't fight. And it's no coincidence that Ron Hainsey rhymes with "Big Pansy."

Tuesday: The League of Extraordinary Statisticians: The Great Debate

GA: Who are these morons? They're like the Sergeant Schulz of number crunchers ("I know nothing" for sure). Not one of them thinks outside the box enough to consider the importance of toughness, which is a whole different category beyond offense and defense.

Wednesday: Ovechkin's Shooting

GA: Never trust a Russian. They're enigmatic and they wear half-shields.

Thursday: A Tale of Two Tampas

GA: They have a team in Tampa? I guess I would know if I was one of those weaklings my age that go down there for the winter. In my day, before these stat punks showed up, you blamed every goal on the goaltender. So maybe Gabe and I see eye-to-eye on this one, though he might not agree that I think it's because Dan Ellis and Mike Smith aren't from Quebec and the ice is too choppy in Florida.

Friday: The 1992-93 Season: A Last Hurrah for 1980s Hockey

GA: I forgive my grandson his ignorance, because he was so close to being right. Yes Europeans invaded our league in 1992-93, and yes I will gladly take their anchor babies on the U.S. Olympic Team because they speak good English, but they ruined the game with their passing the puck and not hitting each other. I almost left the country when the Nordiques selected Mats Sundin, and I kicked the television when they gave that Commie Makarov the Calder Trophy. That was the beginning of the end people, open your eyes. Morals went out the window, too; give me good hard-working boys like Theoren Fleury and Bob Probert any day of the week over those lazy Swedes and conniving Russkies.

I've got a lot of great ideas in store for you heathens as I try to pull you back from the dark side of hockey. Hopefully you haven't all turned into robots yet; some of you might be too far gone (I know Gabe and that no-good Tom Awad are pretty much programmable by now). For the rest, tune in next week when I give you a good way to measure heart in the NHL.

Oh, and Ben: could you come by and shovel tomorrow? Your grandma is getting pretty tired.