Believe it or not (and you really shouldn’t), the Winnipeg Jets allowed me, arby_18, into the True North offices the other day to learn more about Kevin Cheveldayoff’s 5-year 7-year plan! Amazing!
The following is a transcript of the made-up actual conversation between myself and the great minds at True North (divert your eyes if you can't take a joke):
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Kevin Cheveldayoff: Welcome to our offices, Arby! I've heard so much about you!
Arby: Ha ha. I bet you have. It’s a pleasure to be here. (walks by a life-sized paper-mache replica of Ondrej Pavelec and shudders)
KC: Cold? Can I offer you my James Wright jersey to stay warm?
A: No… I'm fine. (swallows hard to avoid puking in mouth). So, is this where all of the drafting and developing happens?
KC: You betcha! This is where all our work is done.
A: So, you haven't been very active in the free agent market and you've yet to make a player-for-player trade at the NHL level. Can you tell me more about why your "draft and develop" plan is going to work?
KC: Drafting and developing is just Phase One. Phase One: Draft and Develop!
A: So… What's Phase Two?
KC: (stares blankly) Hey, Zinger! What's Phase Two?
Craig Heisinger (emerging from the laundry room): Phase One? We draft and develop.
KC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about Phase Two?
CH: (stares blankly) Well, Phase Three is Profit. Get it?
A: I don't get it.
CH: You see? Phase One: Draft and Develop. Phase Two: *silence* Phase Three: Profit!
KC: Exactly! Profit!
Mark Chipman: (Sticks his head out of the corner office) Yeeeessssss….. Proffffffittttttt….. So much Profit…..(chuckles and mumbles something about raising beer prices to $10.00 for the next season while slinking back into the office)
A: Wow. So, yeah… Do you guys know anything about running a hockey team at the NHL level?
CH: You bet we do!
KC: Us brilliant hockey minds are geniuses at running hockey teams at the NHL level.
A: (looks at NHL standings for the past three years) (lifts eyebrow at the two gentlemen in front of him) Um…
CH: Now, if you don't mind me, I'm gonna head back to the laundry room and do what I do best: clean the underpants of hockey players!
KC: Atta boy, Zinger. There's a reason why we made you the Assistant General Manager.
A: Yeah. About that…
KC: You don't see the worth of an ex-equipment manager in a position of power? Can there be a better way to judge a player than by evaluating them based on whether they wear boxers or briefs?
A: (mumbles under his breath) Well, Corsi and Fenwick might be a touch better…
KC: So, Arby, do you understand the plan now?
A: Well, not really, as you never did divulge what Phase Two of this plan wa…
Scott Brown: (emerges from behind Pavelec's paper-mache replica) And thus ends today's interview. Chevy, perhaps you should head back to your office and keep drafting and developing while I escort our blogger enemy friend to the exit.
KC: Whoa! You scared me again, Brownie. You're always hiding behind something, aren't ya?
SB: You know me, Chevy. I'm just here to keep a lid on things here. We don't want anybody knowing what goes on behind these doors. Leave the guessing to the prophets.
MC: (Sticks head out of corner office again) Did somebody say profit?!?!
SB: No, Mr. Chipman. I said prophe… you know what? Never mind.
KC: Well, thanks for stopping by, Arby! By the way, I love the #whatdidchevydotoday hashtag! Keep up the good work!
SB: Enough, Chevy. Enough.
A: (chuckles under his breath) Will do, Chevy. Will do.
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For those of you who have no idea what this parody real conversation was all about, please do yourself a favour and checkout the following video.
via Youtube – credit to South Park (NSFW)
This is from my absolute favourite South Park episode involving the Underpants Gnomes, and more info can be found about this episode here. This is designed to be an "ode" to the Underpants Gnomes, but obviously all credit goes to the South Park creators. Hopefully you find the humour in this. I know I did while writing it.
