Evander Kane. A controversial figure in the world of professional hockey, a polarizing figure in the city of Winnipeg.
A day doesn't go by without fans on social media discussing and debating his on and off ice activity and the effect it has on The Winnipeg Jets. After engaging in and witnessing countless debates on that topic, a question crossed my mind; what influence does Kane actually have on his team and the impressionable youngsters who idolize him.
I did some research (no I didn't) and interviewed select fans (nope) and hockey insiders (yeah, ok) and the results will shock and scare you. Prepare yourself. Evander Kane was drafted by The Atlanta Thrashers sometime before that "franchise" relocated to Winnipeg, year unknown.
While in 'Lanta, Mr. Kane quickly realized he would be playing in a market that didn't give a hot crap about hockey or the men who played the game. For most young Canadians who spend their lives dedicated to making the NHL this would be a disconcerting revelation, not so for the face of pure evil. Kaner knew that this type of market would afford him the opportunity to hone his craft in relative anonymity. His craft being pure evilness.
Evander began his career of evil the way most do, by back sassing his equipment manager. Empowered by his nasty little act of transgression that resulted in no disciplinary action by the team it was "game on". In full view of his teammates Kane would pretend to pick his nose while they were conducting interviews. Things escalated from that to giving a Zamboni driver the finger behind his back while sitting on the bench. Evil.
Atlanta's core watched helplessly as Kanesy's charisma slowly overthrew the teams culture. "It's just unreal. All of the boys my son's age all mimic Kane. As soon as that money phone picture surfaced it was on like Donkey Kong".
Kane's sideshow of horrors moved north to a country called Hockey (Canada). During the lockout in his second year in Winnipeg he released a picture using a stack of money as a phone. I interviewed a local mother to discuss his impact on her son. "All I heard was I want a money phone too. It's like, you broke or lost 6 iPhones and now you want me to hand you a stack of cash to pretend to have another one? It was costing some families thousands of dollars a month in lost and stolen money phones! Finally a group of mothers got together and started duct taping rolls of quarters to the sides of our kid's heads and told them it was a money Bluetooth. Kids are stupid."
"Whenever my afternoon white wine tasting group gets together and we discuss issues facing our children we generally end each thought by saying 'hash tag blame Kane'. I mean the other day my son picked up the lunch I packed for him and bolted out the door like his hair was on fire. He later confessed he was trying to skip out on his tab! Did I say kids are stupid, because they are. Hash tag blame Kane."
Kane's influence can also be seen on his teammates. Paula Thompson, a salesperson at a high end clothing store who asked to remain nameless says she witnessed Mark Stuart's girlfriend make a purchase in her store. "She walks in with sunglasses on trying not to be noticed and grabs the flashiest dress shirts she can find, buys them with cash and bolts out of the store. I used to want to bone that dude when he was all about grit and the intangibles but if he's going to trade in his plaid shirts and lunch bucket mentality for flash he can just forget it".
Disturbed by my findings I contacted a psychologist (really?) who is also disturbed by of all things, Kane's facial hair. "When Evander first arrived in Winnipeg some people got upset that he was shaving things into his hair. This was a classic smokescreen for his mustache and chin beard he was in the process of developing. He has grown his facial hair in the exact style of Anton LaVay, founder of The Church Of Satan. This makes sense. His sassy attitude toward Claude Noel and being late for meetings is classic Church Of Satan behaviour. Have you ever seen foot soldiers in that church?", he asked me.
"No", I responded. "They all have the same hairstyle. The same one recently adopted by Bogosian and Trouba. He's clearly trying to take the Jets down defence first".
"My God", I gasped "That explains Pavelec". "No" he replied, "he just sucks".
What can be done to stop this man? Who is even trying? The local mainstream media have been onto Kane's game from the get go. They have drilled him since day one. Why haven't they been successful in stopping this freight train of evil? Evander's apologists have undermined their valiant efforts to shut him down.
Taking to social media platforms such as Twitter to defend and downplay what is clearly evil behaviour on an historic scale, are these people merely foolish and naïve locals looking to back their hockey hero? Perhaps. Church Of Satan sleeper cells? Likely. So just remember, when your son or daughter approaches you and starts lecturing on their belief that 'even hockey players deserve time off to spend with their newborn baby you know who to blame. The shit disturber who got to the Jets' captain.