I'm Saving Hockey: A BTN April 17th Recap

What's that clear shiny thing protecting like all of these players' eyes? You know, I'm not so sure any of these guys deserve an award for anything ever.

Browsing the ESPN Trophy Tracker leaders, I think this is a prime opportunity to provide some corrections on what could prove to be an awful, undeserving year in NHL hardware:

Art Ross Trophy: Henrik Sedin

- Let's be reasonable here...given a full year, Brian Willsie would've run away with this one.

Calder Memorial Trophy: John Carlson

- I have trouble believing any lazy Capital could grab this one.  Give me an independent goalie that puts his team on his shoulders any day of the week; Corey Crawford it is.

Hart Memorial Trophy: Corey Perry

- I appreciate the name of this trophy, but it should be very careful what reckless, counter-productive individuals it might attach itself to.  Chris Neil in a landslide.

Jack Adams: Dan Bylsma

- C'mon, Disco Dan Bylsma?  I lean towards Guy Boucher, because few people could construct a team more likely to impress, then spontaneously combust.  That takes talent.

Norris Trophy: Lubomir Visnovsky

- Can you believe they chose Lubo over Zdeno Chara on this one?  The guy uses a 108-inch stick, hits a 178 mph slapshot, and single-handedly carried the Bruins to the playoffs.  Did way more than some Shea Weber- or Keith Yandle-like defenseman.

Maurice Richard Trophy: Corey Perry

- Willsie would've had 82 goals.

Vezina Trophy: Tim Thomas

- Have you seen the numbers on this thing?  35 wins...my johnson could get 35 wins in this league wearing nothing but Cooper Reactors and a smile.  Carey Price has the most wins, which means he played the best.

Jennings Trophy: Roberto Luongo

- Isn't it kind of obvious that Tim Tom has a lower GAA?  The only reason this trophy is stupid is because it's reliant on such a great, enigmatic statistic that it's hard to figure out who the hell is any good at it.

 

This week's fungal fudge-bars articles:

Monday: An Abject Lesson for Dallas in the Law of Averages

Grandpa's Analysis: Don't listen to him, Dallas.  You guys were good, really good.  So good, in fact, you should try out for American Idol.

Monday: Should Detroit Have Intentionally Lost to Chicago on Sunday?

GA: No.  Numbers and predictions don't mean anything when the game starts.  Just like smart decisions from the previous games don't mean anything.  Completely unrelated.

Wednesday: NHL and AHL Shootouts 2005-2011

GA: Okay, can we get rid of it now?  Bobby Orr would spin in his grave...if he was dead.  Pretty sure he's pissed today, anyhow.

Thursday: Has the salary cap increased playoff parity?

GA:  The simple answer is that no, the cap has not affected playoff parity; it's because everyone in the league wants it more nowadays.  The difficult answer is that the league is 3/4 robots.

Thursday: Playoff Previews

GA:  Oh yeah, I nearly forgot they did these things.  Y'know, normal people just hand in their tournaments brackets and leave it at that.  These guys actually want to give you extra quotes to ridicule after they're proven miserably wrong.

Friday: The Benefit of an "Easy" Division

GA: Tell me about it...those beach bums in the Pacific have had it easy for nearly a decade now.

You know, maybe next time I ought to make my own awards.  Yeah, that's what I'll do.  It'll be just a little helper for those of you going crazy for the next big thing from Sweden with a visor.

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