I'm Saving Hockey: A BTN February 20th Recap

What a week, hey folks?  I mean, there was a couple of minor things in Egypt and Wisconsin, but some huge transfers in the NHL.  Chris Stewart and Kevin Shattenkirk (along with a conditional 2nd round pick) to the St. Louis Blues for Erik Johnson and Jay McClement (and a conditional 1st round pick), Craig Anderson for Brian Elliott, Tomas Kaberle for Joe Colborne, a 1st round pick, and a conditional 2nd round pick...this salary cap is ruining the NHL.  Nobody's loyal anymore, and we all know the best measure of loyalty is the fact that a player stayed on one team for a long time.  In my day, your rights would be signed by age 11 to a team for no less than 20 years, 1 cent per goal, 3 cents per stitch, and 5 cents per tooth.  If you were really loyal you'd make it to the end of those twenty years and they'd buy your dentures, no questions asked (when Bobby Clarke retired, they had to buy him an entire mouth).  The bigger the loyalty, the bigger the dentures; a guy like Ted Lindsay got little nubs made of wood, and Johnny Bucyk got these huge Bill Walton dentures that were so big you couldn't tell if he was making an acceptance speech or trying to whistle "Oh Canada."

This week's festering feces articles:

Monday: Power Scout Hockey wants feedback

Grandpa's Analysis: Great, another set of stat punks to worry about.  I'll just sit back and watch as they throw protractors at each other.

Monday: 12/17/10 Det-Chi Game Participation Stats

GA: "The Event" sucked, so can you imagine how I'd feel about multiple "events?"

Tuesday: The League of Extraordinary Statisticians: Size

GA: The only sizes I care about are weight class and reach.  True story: I used to have a greater wingspan than Primo Carnera, but lost it in a tragic pudding accident.  I don't really want to talk about it.

Tuesday: Ken Jennings was Robbed

GA: I have to say, I agree with Gabe.  Robots are taking over the earth.  This has been my contention ever since Data was named Lieutenant Commander on the Enterprise.  Come to think of it, Ken Jennings kind of reminds me of Data.  Wait, what if two robots play each other in Jeopardy?  Whoa.  I need to think about this.

Wednesday: 12/17/10 Det-Chi Passing and Fenwick %

GA: I hate this game.

Wednesday: Odds of the Leafs winning the Cup in the next 20 years

GA: Normally, I just go along with Gabe's "logic" and "numbers," but I have to question his methodology here.  How could the Leafs only have 45% chance of winning if they give 110% every night?

Wednesday: Atlanta hamstrings future Winnipeg owners with Byfuglien contract

GA: I love the Byfuglien contract, even if I don't know why there's a team in Atlanta.  Obviously, he's an elite defender; look at all those points!

Thursday: 12/17/10 Det-Chi Distance Traveled by the Puck

GA: Seriously, I want this game to die.

Thursday: Help Wanted/Writing Contest

GA: I'd try to win this myself, but I already have all the prizes.  Plus, Ben keeps deleting my entries.

Friday: What do NHL GMs think their Players are Worth?

GA: All players today are overpaid.  I don't get a million dollars, so they shouldn't either.  The salary floor is the worst invention since the salary cap, and both pale in comparison to the invention of rock and roll.

Friday: Who Won the Gretzky Trade?

GA: Nobody, because a warm weather team was given a chance.  Pockeltits or whatever his name is took a big steaming dump on the Canadian heart that day, and Gretzky went all Hollywood on us.  For his sins, he was condemned to coach the Phoenix Coyotes.

Now if you'll excuse me, apparently I need to save Wisconsin as well.